It's not news!

I'm going to go over some stuff that the news media feeds us and I'll explain why it doesn't deserve coverage:
Retired athletes putting on a walk for the fight against hunger is not news. It's a publicity stunt. You know how you fight against hunger? You give a hungry person food! You deliver canned food to economically disadvantaged neighborhoods. You don't have your publicist contact every news station before you go on a walk. Walking doesn't do shit for hungry people. Publicity stunts are never news.
Drive-by shootings don't count as news either. News means NEW. Drive-by shootings happen everyday. Besides, it's most likely the cops doing these shootings for job security. Cops are the biggest criminals that society has to offer. Fuck the cops!
A man asking his girlfriend to marry him in an airplane by having her look out the window at a big sign that says "will you marry?" is a waste of my time and it's definitely not news. It's a bored man going to desperate levels to be a member of the institution of marriage. Now, if the plane crashes after she says yes, then I'll stop whatever I'm doing to watch the ten o'clock news.
An old person celebrating their 100th birthday is not news. It's sad. It's a devastating reminder of how long I'll be paying taxes on medicare.
Miley Cyrus quitting twitter is not fuckin' news. It's stupid. Who gives a fuck? Fuck Miley! Does this one really need to be explained? It's just a matter of time till her career plummets to the ground and she'll be forced to join the porn industry. Stop wasting my time, not that it's valuable or anything, just stop.